Amber’s Story

I had mixed emotions during the eight weeks leading up to my first prenatal appointment. I kept thinking was this the right time and what would people think. We are in a pandemic, is this too risky and is four kids too many. My doubts changed after the confirmation sonogram when I learned the baby’s due date would be my dad’s birthday. Everything was going as expected until my 12-week prenatal visit. The doctor couldn’t find the baby’s heartbeat using the fetal Doppler so she scheduled a sonogram for later that afternoon. Waiting for the appointment was torture but as soon as the tech placed the probe on my belly, I heard a loud flutter and then a rapid heartbeat. I looked at the monitor and saw a perfect wiggly baby measuring ahead by a week. When I got back to my car I cried tears of joy, relief, and guilt. For the next 6 weeks I was all in. No more complaining or second guessing just fully embracing all of it.

I had my genetic screening and bloodwork that confirmed we were having another girl. Yay, two boys and two girls. The perfect combo! Everything was going well. The morning sickness was better and my 16 week prenatal visit was good. Next up was my 20 week anatomy scan. I remember everything about the day of my 20 week appointment. From the moment I entered the room it was eerily quiet. The tech tapped the computer and took several screenshots. Then she exhaled and asked if I knew what was happening. I said she’s too small, did she lose weight? I remember the tech saying yes but I also can’t find a heartbeat. I swiftly looked at the monitor and realized I did not see or hear her heart beating. I immediately started to cry. The doctor nervously walked into the room and told me to call my husband. I will never forget the sound of the cry that came from my husband when I told him the baby was gone. We decided to deliver the same day and the doctor explained the baby was already deteriorating and most likely died a week ago. She explained the cord was around the baby’s neck three times and the baby likely fell asleep and couldn’t wake up because she had low oxygen from the cord being wrapped tightly.

Although my motherhood journey was never easy, there was nothing more painful than carrying a child 5 months, having 18 hours of labor and giving birth knowing I wouldn’t get to take her home. I lost my heart and a piece of my soul that day. The sadness hasn’t disappeared, but I acknowledge it for what it is. I cry if I need to and focus on being grateful for all that I am. I pray the same comfort for all moms that have gone through this journey. You may not heal completely but it is the memory that gives you strength for another day.